|
COMMENTS:
This
story had such promise in the beginning, but
very quickly deflated as it moved forward. The
development of the plot has to be reworked
because the “conflicts” aren’t clearly defined
and don’t really have the affect that they
should with Ashton. If it did, then his
motivation for leaving would be that his
family’s past was really eating at his character
so much so that he would be compelled to run
away to New York instead of milling around as
he’s done all these years.
It took 30 pages to get Ashton to New York. He
should’ve left New Mexico to be discovered long
before he hit his thirties. Even the young
character of Violet in “Coyote Ugly” had more
ambition and insight in less time. Despite her
stage fright, Violet made more use of her time
in New York trying to get discovered. Ashton has
floated along without a solid plan in mind. The
first 30 pages were wasted by dragging out the
“mystery” of Johnny’s absence. I was so bored
with the development of the characters, the
story, and most of the dialogue that by the time
I did find out about Johnny and why he died, I
didn’t care.
When Ashton decides to call his mom, I had lost
interest about her absence in his life and
thought that the notion was poorly placed. More
flashbacks about her or, at the very least, an
indication of previous attempts to contact her
should have been present.
Some of the scene descriptions were good, clear
and concise but there were others that were
confusing and unnecessary.
There are a few tidbits of snappy dialogue but
nothing so striking as to save the story. Terry
said it best, which is that Ashton had the need
to express himself through music. This is all
fine and dandy, but it was never executed. Even
at the end, when I expected him to be standing
on that cliff belting out an emotional guitar
riff about his experiences - an opus if you
will, it didn’t happen. Something like Slash
did in front of an old chapel for his guitar
solo for the Guns’N’Roses video “November
Rain”.
Ashton was a dense, pathetic character and I can
see why it took him 34 years to leave New
Mexico. Even then, I don’t think he even knew
why he went to New York. New York was supposed
to be a fresh start for Ashton, so why bother
dragging the past in?
I didn’t like Isbie, either. Her mode of
operation was illogical. I was wishing that her
character would either choose to back Ashton or
do him in. Neil’s character was more
interesting with all the problems and torment
that he had in his life. We see why he can’t
kick his drug habit and feel pity for him when
he’s forced to watch the man he loves (Ashton)
becoming one of Isbie’s flavors-of-the-month.
However, the use of “Swan Lake” for Neil’s
demise was so passé. It seems like every time
there is some sort of unrequited gay love
story-line this song comes up.
Jesse seemed more like an after thought than
someone who mattered to Ashton. She needed to
have more substance for anyone to believe that
she was the girl that Ashton has been with for
all this time.
Taylor’s tortured, guilty father character was
good as was Sage who served as a beacon of hope
for both his father and brother. Neville and
the Piano Player did nothing for Ashton or the
story.
Another inconsistency was Terry’s absence at the
end of the story. He was Ashton’s best friend
and the one who got him to New York in the first
place. He needs to be written into the end when
Ashton comes home.
It’s a story that thoroughly needs to be
rethought and rewritten.
|
